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During my years at work, I’ve received some magnificently awful resumes from job seekers. Real pearlers. Ones that make you wonder – not if the person is adequate for the position – but if they can even feed themselves.

Here’s the latest gem. I’ve reproduced the CV in its entirety. I cannot stress that enough: IN ITS ENTIRETY. Behold:

[NAME WITHHELD] – RESUME

Victorian Police Force

Olympic Video Gaming

Aritocrat Gaming

Casino Royale Gaming Franchise

Hotel Owner

Internet Video Marketing

That was it. The whole resume. Thank you, Mr Succinct.

I suspect he was in a hurry. Perhaps he was being chased at the time. That would explain the missing S in Aristocrat. I’m sure he saw the typo and thought, “No time! Leave it! Man, it’s hard to type and run!”

Interestingly, the position was for a “Digital Manager at a publishing company”. I can’t remember the exact wording of the job ad but I don’t recollect asking for an “ex-cop, video game junkie who thinks resumes should be 17 words long”.

Luckily I have my friend Crazy Hand to translate and expound on this minimalist CV for me. Her response:

Dude. If you can’t see the talent in that CV, then you’re not the kind of people he wants to work with. I’ve put my Genius Cap on (looks a little like a hunting cap with ear flaps) and spelled it out for you below [see in bold].

Victorian Police Force (as in, Involuntary Guest of)
Olympic Video Gaming (Also played videos during the Commonwealth Games)
Aritocrat Gaming (Sometimes I wear a cravat while gaming, just to take it up a notch)
Casino Royale Gaming Franchise (way better than the DVD franchise, that’s for sure)
Hotel Owner (on Mayfair sukkahs!)
Internet Video Marketing (Got all my friends into World of Warcraft)

You’re welcome.

CH

Of course, the biggest shame is that we’ve already offered someone else this job. Perhaps I should respond to Mr Succinct in a way he’ll appreciate:

Dear Mr Succinct

Re. Digital Manager Position

No

7 Responses to “How to write a resume whilst being chased”

  1. Joasia says:

    Heee. That’s a classic! Relieved it won’t be him.

  2. Mummyfied says:

    Tsk Tsk. Don’t you recognise an artist when you see one?

    This semi-abstract resume is a sensitive piece clearly rooted in the reductive aspects of minimalism and is quite obviously a reaction against the pretentiousness of abstract expressionism. In this work of what I can only deem a revolutionary concept of pure aestheticism, Mr. Succinct is trying to share with you his work without the distraction of composition, theme or well, any real information whatsoever.

    I think you’ve missed a huge opportunity here. Can’t you see the magnificence of websites with absolutely nothing on them but white space? The awesome value of a business site that has no imagery and no information? Genius.

    • Ms FOAS says:

      He’s an anarchist, clearly. He’s all “Damn you society with your RULES and your correspondences that make sense, DAMN YOU!”

      I’m regreting not hiring him now.

  3. KateWrightFaLaLa says:

    As an employee of a recruitment agency, I have sure seen some doozies in my time. Just this morning, we were the recipients of a CV that was enhanced by the inclusion of an image of a sunset on its cover page. Lovely, inspiring, creative stuff. It really made the CV stand out. Sure, for all the wrong reasons, but still …

    However, Mr Succinct has blown everyone else out of the turbulent waters of the candidate pool, let me tell you.

    • Ms FOAS says:

      A sunset, hey? Nice. And very professional.

      If you want Mr Succinct’s details, I could forward them. Perhaps he could work as script writer for Rob Oakeshott.

  4. jacinta says:

    I once applied for a tv scriptwriting job. Thought I was being so COOL when I included a can of Keens Mustard in with my resume and wrote Young Keen and Hot on the envelope (it was a loong time ago). Needless to say the can burst, the openee got mustard all over themselves, not to mention FREAKED OUT. And it was a rather weird call when I rang up to follow up on my application… herm.

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