firing on all syllables

Last night my husband and I enjoyed a rare evening out without Mr Squish, our 10-month-old baby. Leaving him with my mother-in-law, we skipped over to a new and exciting Japanese restaurant. It was not child-friendly, I didn’t have to feed anyone, and no one vomited on my shoulder. It was heaven.

I was thrilled to be free for a night but I didn’t lose my head. I remembered how to act in polite society. However there was someone there – let’s just say someone who regrettably “fit my description” – who was not so dignified.

This clearly over-excited woman virtually sculled two beers before the menus even arrived. The waitress had barely let go of each bottle before they were upended into this woman’s mouth. From where I was sitting – because I was across the room sipping my beer slowly, you understand – I could tell the waitress was impressed. Or scared. I get them confused.

This is a woman who drinks for keeps, I remembered thinking.

Then my dopelganger and her husband ordered food. Lots of food. The couple were both very tall and reasonably slim, so they could obviously get away with eating such large amounts. But still. Wow. When they leave restaurants I imagine the staff gather in the kitchen to whisper about Those Tall Pigs at Table 3.

“Did they really eat ALL of that?” they would ask each other, stunned. “And HOW much did they drink? Did you say the woman was drinking from the bottle BEFORE you even let go of it?”

As each dish arrived, my dopelganger declared everything to be “the yummiest dish I’ve ever eaten!” But these critiques were mercifully infrequent – not because she realised how banal they sounded but because her mouth was always full of food.

As I drank water, nibbling on my tiny salad and quietly discussing 17th century art with my husband, I heard the other couple drunkenly trying to remember every meal they’d had at a holiday in Tokyo two years ago. It was a 12 day holiday and yet they somehow managed to recall them all. I don’t know if that’s sad or impressive.

Once they had drained the restaurant of food and alcohol, the other couple resigned themselves to the fact they had to go home and staggered off into the night.

The staff gathered in the kitchen immediately.

Tags: beer, can we show our faces there again, dinner with the husband, drunken misadventures, good times, humor, humour, my dopelganger, too much food