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Feed on

Sports commentators John and Ted are sitting at a desk, looking straight to camera.


John: Welcome back, viewers! We’re witnessing a great contest here today.

Ted: Indeed we are, John. Ms FOAS and Mr Squish are just about to come back out on the pitch after an action-packed morning. Mr Squish was victorious this morning, but let’s see if Ms FOAS can claw back into the game.

John: Here they are now. They’re taking their positions.

Ted: The Lunch Stage is first in the competition. Today it’s a blended spinach and cheese pasta. Ms FOAS is serving it now and the crowd has gone quiet.

John: Yes, it’s a vital moment. Can the little champion keep the food down this time?

Ted: ……. Oh. Oh dear.

John: That’s a shame and an early setback for Ms FOAS. All that green mess is not going to be fun to clean up either. Let’s look at the instant replay.

Ted: Must we?

John: Oh, hang on! There’s more drama. I see Ms FOAS has been given a yellow card for swearing. She’ll be disappointed with that.

Ted: Yes she will. Now while she cleans up, Mr Squish is playing with his toys at the…

John: Sorry to interrupt, Ted, but Mr Squish has just hit his head quite hard.

Ted: Oh yes. Ms FOAS has rushed over and is holding him and kissing and rubbing his forehead. I see the officials have stopped the clock.

John: I can see the lump from here. While they tend to him, we might go to a break. We’ll be back after these short messages.


10 minutes later.


John: Welcome back, everyone. Well, Mr Squish has recovered from the earlier injury, but there seems to be another issue now, doesn’t there, Ted?

Ted: Yes, he’s crying a lot and just wants to be held. He looks like he’s in a considerable amount of pain, the poor little guy.

John: Could this be a recurrence of his ear problems? His behaviour seems similar to when his eardrum ruptured last time he had a head cold. That would be devastating to his game. Ms FOAS is holding him and I believe they’re sending out for pain relief and antibotics.

Ted: We may take this opportunity to go to another break. It seems Ms FOAS just has to hold him for now. Hopefully it won’t take long and I’m sure we’ll resume the broadcast very soon.




John: Welcome back. Wow. We apologise for that extended break. Ms FOAS has been holding Mr Squish for that whole time.

Ted: Yes she has. What she lacks in feeding skills she certainly makes up for in arm strength.

John: Indeed. Mr Squish went in and out of sleep, but mainly he just screamed. Ms FOAS shed a few tears herself, but the crowd really got behind her. It’s been an emotional 5 hours.

Ted: Yes. But the drugs FINALLY seem to be helping. It’s a relief for all concerned.

John: The little guy is having his dinner now. I don’t think it matters who wins at this stage, the crowd are cheering them both on. They are on the edge of their seats!

Ted: And….. YES! Dinner went well! The crowd is going wild!

John: The roar is deafening!

Ted: WHAT?

John: The crowd hushes now as we move onto the final challenge.

Ted: Yes, this is the Sleeping Stage of the event. Everything is looking good so far and I think…

John: Sorry, Ted, but Mr Squish has just woken up crying for milk.

Ted: Oh dear, at 3.30am this is a bit disappointing but Ms FOAS is there with the bottle. She doesn’t seem to mind at this stage.

John: He’s drinking well and he… um, was that a cough? Gosh, I hope he doesn’t vomi… Oh!

Ted: Jeez, that really did go all over the room, didn’t it?

John: It was a good effort though to get both the new bed AND the new rug.

Ted: Yes. And I see the ref has stepped in with another yellow card for Ms FOAS. That’s a shame.

John: So, while Ms and Mr FOAS clean up the bedroom, we’d like to thank you for watching and we hope you have enjoyed the broadcast. Good night all!

Ted: Until next time, goodnight!


7 Responses to “Who needs the Melbourne Cup when you have this?”

  1. CH says:

    Only two yellow cards? You, madame, are a saint.

    • Ms FOAS says:

      Perhaps I should have strived for more so they’d have no choice but to send me off the field. An early shower would have been like the best gift ever that day.

  2. jacinta says:

    Send child to grandparents and watch-melbourne-cup-in-pub-with-jacinta-next-time

  3. jacinta says:

    ahhh i missed the bit about ear problems (ability to read has been tainted by the gianormous hangover, maybe you can be glad you didnt come to pub with me), I hope he gets better soon. Poor little chap x

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