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Suffering for my art

If you’ve visited my site before, you may have noticed that I have a new banner! That is a photo of me in all my horizontal and faceless glory.

I’ve been meaning to do it for a while now but it’s been so busy. Over the past few months I’ve been writing this blog, doing freelance graphic design, video editing, animating a music video, and impersonating a responsible mother to a toddler.

So last week I decided to take a long-overdue break.

My son and I headed to my parents whilst my husband held the fort at home. And I must say, it’s been marvelous having two extra sets of hands to help out. Plus I get to do things I never do anymore. Like see a film… AT THE CINEMA!

I feel giddy even just writing that sentence.

I also treated myself to a facial and full-body massage – a very rare treat these days. Immediately after the treatment, I gushed at the beautician like a crazy person. As she smiled uneasily, I said with far too much enthusiasm, “That’s the best facial I’ve ever had. Like EVER! Seriously, I love it here! I feel drunk!” I stopped short of kissing her, but only barely. At least the police weren’t called, so let’s call it A Successful Outing.

Even though I decided not to write during my mini-break, I did work on the design of my blog. As someone who dabbles in graphic design, I thought I should make some sort of effort. So I decided my new banner should be a photo of me lying down having a kip (it’s something at which I excel and I knew how impressed you’d all be).

My sister, whom you might remember from our pub shenanigans, agreed to be the Official FOAS Photographer to the Stars. So last Friday we set off for our big ‘shoot’. We were very excited as we drove off… until we realised that we’d forgotten the fucking camera. It was an auspicious beginning.

We returned to our bemused parents (who may or may not have rolled their eyes), grabbed the camera and then drove around the country town looking for locations.

Throughout the day we photographed at a bus-stop, a busy roundabout, a child’s playground, and a pub. At each location I put a book over my face and lay on the ground. I looked like some kind of freakishly tall, bookish narcolept.

But the photo I ultimately chose was from none of the locations I mentioned. You can’t tell from looking at the banner now but I’m actually lying on a tarmac road. I just retouched the photo to add grass. Here’s the original:



In case you were wondering, the book over my face is entitled ‘Car Body Repairs’. Of course. When I asked my dad if I could borrow it, he said, “Yeah, sure.” He didn’t even ask why. I love that.

So aside from the grass, the book cover, and a minor colour adjustment, nothing else is retouched. So, yes, my feet really are that big. Thank you for noticing.

And can I let you in on another secret?

I am in heaps of agony there.

But it’s not my fault. I mean, who’d have guessed that a tarmac road in full sunlight, at midday, in summer could be hot? I’m not a climate specialist, people.

The heat emanating from the road was truly sizzling. So I psyched myself up, lay down and my sister hurriedly snapped away around me. You obviously can’t tell from the photo but I’m shouting at her, “HURRY! HURRY! STOP LAUGHING!”

After about 10 agonising seconds I finally leaped off the ground with a speed that humans rarely achieve. Steam was coming off my back and there was a mysterious BBQ meat smell in the air.

But thankfully I’m happy with the result. First degree burns and all.


7 Responses to “Suffering for my art”

  1. KateWrightFaLaLa says:

    I think you’re lying. I think you also added clothes during the retouching process.

  2. Jesse says:

    Two questions:
    1. Is a kip a nap?
    2. What possessed you to rest on the tarmac instead of the grass? (I typed ‘rest’ instead of lay or lie or whatever because I never know which word to use when.)

    Lastly, I want to spend an afternoon with you and your sister – without a camera.
    That doesn’t sound good.
    I meant pubbing or whatever it is that you two do when you do your shenanigans.

    • Ms FOAS says:

      1. Yes. 2. Because I’m an idiot.

      Actually, there was some method to my madness. I wanted to get a shot of me without any grass because I was initally going to be lying on the words ‘Firing On All Syllables’. But in the end, I added the grass anyway. Whoops.

      And stay tuned for my next post where I embroil my sister in another misadventure. As a teaser, there are code names involved. Oh yes.

  3. Jacinta says:

    That’s eerily like one of u lying on the floor at the hunna….? Or was that me on the floor at the hunna… Hang on it was all of us under the pool table

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