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Feed on

I recently went through my iPhone Notes and discovered some that I’d completely forgotten about.

One in particular caught my eye. I had written it during a drunken night out with my good friend KD.

I remember the evening. Well, most of it. KD and I left our kids at home with the menfolk to have a well-deserved night out. We then busied ourselves getting remarkably drunk and disorderly. For some reason, I decided to record some of our dialogue.

So for everyone’s bafflement (including mine), here are some snippets of conversation I clearly thought worthy of saving for posterity:


Me: Men have seen me naked.
KD: I’m going to breathe through my outrage. 

Me: I just said “donk donk” really loudly!
KD: Yes, you really did.

KD: No one said goodbye to my arse.
Me: I fully intend on saying goodbye to your arse.

Going down a flight of stairs:
Me: [to someone behind us] Go before us! We may fall and die.
KD: Yes… Ouch. Ouch. Dead.
Me: Hahaha!
KD: Oh god! My shoe came off!!

KD: We may be asked to leave because of our unseemly manner.
Me: You mean, our drunken frenzy?
KD: (singing) You say potato, I say potarto, let’s just fuck off then.
Me: That’s slightly less poetic than the original.


Now I won’t lie to you… I remember about half of those conversations. But some are a total mystery.

For instance, why was KD upset that no-one had said goodbye to her arse? And why did I then offer to? And, most importantly, WHY DID I WRITE IT DOWN?

But I DO remember getting booted out of that pub (it was closing time – we hadn’t attempted to set fire to it, or anything. At least I’m fairly certain we hadn’t) and heading to another pub. Always a wise move.

I then vaguely remember striding into the new pub, past the suspicious bouncer, and leaving KD to face the interrogation. The bouncer must have been flummoxed by her unblinking honesty (“Are you drunk?” “Yes I am”) because he let her through anyway.

Then the night got seriously wobbly.

I think this was the point where I wrote my final mysterious note for the night. It appeared underneath the dialogue and read simply:


Blog post idea – HATS!!


I have absolutely no idea what that means.


But from the two exclamation points, I was clearly excited about it at the time. Maybe……….. no see, I can’t even GUESS! That’s going to drive me insane. Don’t be shocked to one day find me in a mental asylum, rocking in a corner, muttering “Hats?… hats?… hats?…” until a big guy called Chief smothers me with a pillow.

I’ve seen movies. I know what happens.

Also, I’m fairly certain I forgot to say something on the night, so I should really rectify the matter now. Here goes…

Bye bye, KD’s arse!


6 Responses to “Why iPhones and pubs shouldn’t mix”

  1. Cameron says:

    This is why, when you go out, you need your own personal film crew to do a fly-on-the-wall docudrama of your life. You miss out on too much if all you have are the edited highlights in text form weeks later.

    You need to be able to go to the video ref for clarification.

    • Ms FOAS says:

      You’re starting to convince me about this. A video ref WOULD be handy. They could help confirm questions like “How did I get home?”, “Why am I wearing a sombrero?”, and “How did I get up this tree?”.

  2. KateWrightFaLaLa says:

    I am amazed that I was able to summon up the phrase “unseemly manner” by that stage in the proceedings. I must have had a momentary lapse and imbibed a replenishing glass of water to compensate for the nine beers. Was there champagne too? Probably. Why not?

    And “HATS” has me well and truly stumped as well. I admit to losing a bit of focus, but I do not recall an unusual number of hat-wearers around us that evening.

    Or were there??? Were WE wearing hats? Had I donned my fallen shoe as a hat in error?

    • Ms FOAS says:

      I’m stunned that I could focus on my iPhone, nevermind write actual words.

      God, did we have champagne? I must have been too distracted by that shoe on your head to notice.

  3. KateWrightFaLaLa says:

    It’s obvious when you think about it.

  4. jacinta says:

    Darling, the wedding is on in November. Can I get you and KD together to write our vows?

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