firing on all syllables

Last week whilst visiting my parents, my mum gave me some unexpected news. Brace yourselves for this one. It’s a bombshell.

My mum informed me that their local library is currently holding… are you ready for this?… a whittling exhibition!

A WHITTLING EXHIBITION!

Can you believe it?

Seriously, what are the odds of that? Soon after I declare myself to be the World’s Leading Authority on Carrot Whittling (to any new visitors, please read this post and it will all make sense), there is a whittling exhibition IN MY HOME TOWN!

Straight up I have to ask the burning question: why didn’t they ask me to submit my whittled carrot? WHY?

I am the critically-ignored Carrot Whittler Extraordinaire to the Stars. And yet I have been publicly snubbed by both the whittling community AND my own townsfolk? No, it was an outrage!

Perhaps they’ve never heard of me, but that sounds unlikely. I mean, how on earth could a small town librarian NOT have heard of a Sydney mum who once whittling a carrot into a TV remote control in an effort to get her infant to eat it?

No, the only possible explanation is that they can’t handle my non-traditional use of a carrot instead of wood. Purist bastards!

Anyway, I wasn’t going to take this lying down. I decided to fight back for the sake of carrot whittlers everywhere (which is really just me, let’s be honest, but I am a very vocal minority). Come hell or high water, I was going to get my carrot into that damn exhibition.

And so began Operation Whit-less!

Very soon into the mission, I encountered my first problem. And it was a doozy as far as problems go. I had nothing to exhibit. My whittled carrot no longer existed because my husband ate it.

However, I did have a photo of the carrot on my computer. So I added a wooden frame effect in Photoshop (to make it look exhibition-worthy) and printed it out.

Here is the result:

That wooden frame is pretty convincing, hey? You’d need to be some sort of frame specialist to notice that isn’t real.

Anyway, my sister came over and was more than happy to help with the “sting”. We decided to slink (oh yes, slink) into the library, hang my picture amongst the artworks, get video evidence, and quickly leave. The word “stealth-like” was bandied about quite a bit.

So we grabbed the photo, a wad of bluetack, a camera, and set off to the library.

During the drive there was naturally only one thing to discuss: what our code names should be.

I have previously referred to my sister as Kurdles in this blog but as we approached the library she threw a spanner in the works. “I’m not happy with my code name,” she said. “I know we’re nearly there but we need to stop and discuss mine”.

So we did. We pulled into the library’s carpark and sat there debating a suitable replacement.

We eventually settled on Shootin’ Tex for her. I still have no idea why. And I was Captain Shush. I was so named because as we drove into the carpark I got overexcited and exclaimed, “There’s the library! SHUSH!”

Why did I say “shush”? Well, just in case there were librarian spies hiding in the carpark, poised and ready for such a whittling-related sting. DUR!

So with code names established, we tried to psych ourselves up and stop giggling. “I need to do wee-wees,” my sister said, clearly feeling nervous. “SHOOTIN’ TEX NEEDS TO DO WEE-WEES!”

Once we finally entered the building, the beleaguered Operation Whit-less encountered yet another challenge. You see, the ‘Whittling Exhibition’ wasn’t so much an exhibition, as a cabinet. A glass cabinet with locked doors.

Here is a photo.

Shootin’ Tex and I just stood in front of it trying to comprehend this latest hurdle. “How the bloody hell am I going to get my photo in there?” I eventually asked.

Before my sister could answer, an old lady suddenly appeared at my elbow. I jumped slightly. She was holding a home-made folder. Bizarrely, it had pictures of quilts that she apparently wanted me to admire.

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT?” I wanted to say. “Don’t you know Shootin’ Tex and I are trying to quietly infiltrate a whittling exhibition with a picture of a carrot? THIS IS NO TIME FOR QUILT APPRECIATION, WOMAN!”

But remembering that we were supposed to be “stealth-like”, I kept quiet and nodded nicely. The sweet old lady left as mysteriously as she arrived and Shootin’ Tex and I were again faced with our dilemma. How were we going to get my picture into the cabinet?

By this stage we had been standing there for about 10 minutes. The staff were beginning to notice. I can see why. Here were two 30-something women taking photos of a cabinet of wooden carvings, whispering to themselves and looking guilty.

I decided smashing the glass may not qualify as being particularly “stealth-like”, so I had no choice but to just prop the photo against the cabinet. My sister filmed the ‘sting’. Watch the video below.

As I say in the video (which you might not be able to hear because it was a library and I had to be quiet), “The exhibition is now complete!”

And it was. Mission accomplished!

[Finally, to any whittling purists out there who want to snub me for future exhibitions, do it again and there will be more of this kind of harsh retaliation. You have been warned.]

Tags: Captain Shush, carrot whittling, humor, humour, local library, Shootin' Tex, The Artist Formerly Known As Kurdles, threatening whittling purists, whittling exhibition, world's first TV remote made from a carrot